The Man’s daily routine

7.00 am – The alarm goes off, completely ignore it. Ignore the fact that the children are screaming and bouncing all over me and want me to come downstairs with them.

7.30 am – Ignore the second alarm, change positions in the bed as she’s already got up to deal with hungry starving children.

7.45 am – Turn off the the third alarm but contemplate getting out of bed.

8.00 am – Take my time getting out of bed and head for the bathroom.

8.05 am – Do my morning business, leave it unflushed.

8.10 am – Climb into the shower, making sure to shed my ridiculously thick chest and head hair all over the bathroom – even places that I haven’t been near. Make sure to leave dirty underwear in the middle of the floor.

8.15 am – Get out of shower, brush teeth then leave bathroom.

8.20 am – Get dressed in the bedroom then head back to the bathroom to spend 5 minutes ripping hair from my head and plastering it all over the sink (aka styling my hair)

8.25 am – Head downstairs making sure I’ve left wet towels on the unmade bed and that the curtains remain unopened.

8.28 am – Make some toast, ensure that the butter and knife remain on the side along with all the crumbs.

8.30 am – Make myself some dinner but while doing so pull out every possible piece of cutlery and all plates and bowls until it looks like the kitchen has been hit by a bomb.

8.35 am – Leave the house through the front door and walk past the bin and recycling boxes that I was asked to put out last night that are due to be emptied in around 20 mins – I’m sure she’ll put them out.