The Man’s daily routine

7.00 am – The alarm goes off, completely ignore it. Ignore the fact that the children are screaming and bouncing all over me and want me to come downstairs with them.

7.30 am – Ignore the second alarm, change positions in the bed as she’s already got up to deal with hungry starving children.

7.45 am – Turn off the the third alarm but contemplate getting out of bed.

8.00 am – Take my time getting out of bed and head for the bathroom.

8.05 am – Do my morning business, leave it unflushed.

8.10 am – Climb into the shower, making sure to shed my ridiculously thick chest and head hair all over the bathroom – even places that I haven’t been near. Make sure to leave dirty underwear in the middle of the floor.

8.15 am – Get out of shower, brush teeth then leave bathroom.

8.20 am – Get dressed in the bedroom then head back to the bathroom to spend 5 minutes ripping hair from my head and plastering it all over the sink (aka styling my hair)

8.25 am – Head downstairs making sure I’ve left wet towels on the unmade bed and that the curtains remain unopened.

8.28 am – Make some toast, ensure that the butter and knife remain on the side along with all the crumbs.

8.30 am РMake myself some dinner but while doing so pull out every possible piece of cutlery and all plates and bowls until it looks like the kitchen has been hit by a bomb.

8.35 am – Leave the house through the front door and walk past the bin and recycling boxes that I was asked to put out last night that are due to be emptied in around 20 mins – I’m sure she’ll put them out.